dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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