I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
