Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
