I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
