dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
