you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
