Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???