He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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