Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
he fucked my hip out of place.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
