The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
