sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
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