had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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