I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
