I just gift wrapped bread.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
