Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
