did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
