I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
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