She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
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She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
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when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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