Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
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theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
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