I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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