you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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