Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
