yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
