Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
