This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
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