I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
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