Cold hands, warm shart.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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