Just fell off a train. Bad.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
