I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Randomize
