this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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