These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
