I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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