why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
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