My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
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