I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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