Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
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