do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
