im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Another day, another engagement, another cat
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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