Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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