when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
