I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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