My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
