Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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