She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
