yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
