i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
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I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
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I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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