just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
