There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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