I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
