You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
pray to the hookup gods
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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