Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
