I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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