It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
